i miss having a crush. getting excited to see someone. holding hands. first kisses. blahh.

i cannot believe the GOP let steven colbert do a speech at the press corps dinner. it was almost painful to watch him mock the president literally three feet away from him and in front of all right wing hierarchy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOprXKpuVRc

lately i've been wanting to run away. run into my past, run back, back...the safety net's lifted and i am scared...where is the addiction...i must always be addicted...i scare myself. there have been so many times that i have lost control of my own mind, and i forget this when i am desperate and scared and all i want is my old self back. people did like her more, afterall, the scared, shatter-able little girl. who was i? why did people want her? i just don't know about myself anymore. there are so many times my thoughts seem independent from myself, it scares me. one minute i'm happy and content with my future, my friends, who i am, and the next i imagine my death around every corner. tessa, you are crazy. i feel i am wasting time, but i always feel this way. life is a goddamn waste of time. i wish i was ignorant.

i feel like a lot of deception has happened lately. i don't even know who my friends are and the ones that at least pretend to be seem to lie quite a lot.

my life
changes
way too quickly
the people involved change
far too frequently
and i seem to change
not enough for anyone to care about me.

but i am excited to have at least a few of my best friends together on saturday for my birthday party, just like old times. fucking miss kitten and the hacker, my basement, and copious amounts of liquor. hell yes.

i've given up a lot of people, and i'm finally content.
my life doesn't feel so scattered and dramatic.
tired of someone and their lying, i really am through. it's just not worth it for me anymore.

something needs to happen.
something or someone new.
i am just tired and bored.
i need a reason to get up in the morning.

i am so tired of trying. everything takes too much effort. i realized today, it doesn't matter what i do for people, when it is me there, alone and breaking, i don't have anyone. i can't decided whether to give up on people or to give up on myself.

tomorrow is starting day 1 of clean tessa and clean for me, not for anyone else. i need myself back. i won't know if it's depression or cocaine making me think the way i am unless i stop using. and that is what i plan to do.

and i am excited for the weekend. yes.

and i need a date for homecoming....this should be exciting

it's safe to say i am completely disconnected from everything and everyone. school, as expected, is so very lonely. everything is lonely. i just don't know what to change, because it seems like no matter what changes, it's my head that is the ultimate problem. off with my head!

i can't keep doing this.
how do i stop
how do i stop
how do i stop

i'm so scared that if i let go of this one, i will end up back where i was last year, and no one wants to be in that place.

all you and i have is this moment, our eyes locked, the cold around us, our shaking hands.
the past is already gone, the future might not come, but NOW, HERE are together.
nothing will ever matter once it has passed,
everything come to an end eventually
all that is real is what is happing in time right this minute
and right this minute all i am thinking is when you will leave me
when you could leave me
in the future
does that mean this was never real?
if i was never there back then and you are not here now?

i'm done with you

i think you've used the last drop of me

i deserve all the shit i can get for it.
but trust me no one knows how much worse the shit i get for it is in my head.
it won't happen again. i realized that night that he can't change, i don't need to change, and our relationship WAS ALWAYS hell for me. he left me cold, alone, and paranoid, for some ridiculous reason he made up, as usual.
and i am done.
we agreed to be friends, no more sex is to happen. and if he doesn't want it to happen, hopefully i won't be too drunk to forget what an asshole he is.

also. i have very few real friends right now. people don't get that if you want real friends you have to be one. i would do anything for my best friends. but right now there are very few of them.

my future is non-existent and my parents can only make me feel like shit about everything in my life that has happened. it's my fault i had these things happen and my emotions showed through external measures. i really just don't know how things will get better or change. no matter what things that happened in the past are always forefront on my mind and all i can focus on is distracting myself with self distruction.

everything goes from amazing to shittier than possible in minutes
i don't even care anymore
i am tired of wasting time on people

i really just feel like an island lately
and part of me is actually happy about it
because i don't have to deal with people's bullshit and i can do what i want to
but not caring what people say or think anymore is also kind of bad
because i think i am almost getting too blunt, clear, insane, open, fucking too fucked up i don't know
i just don't know who i am what i want or where i want to be
i feel awkward no matter what

i want him back

and no, NOT SETH

blah blah blah i suck i just want to disappear

should i thank you for all that happened?
or cut off your balls?







i still don't know what to do about the school stuff. everything changes just way too fast here.

dear ____,
it makes me sad to know that you take advantage of love.
you know the people that love you and you push them to their limits because you know they care too much to leave you.
i am here when you need someone to care about you, when you need someone to save you, someone to listen to you cry, yell, somewhere to sleep, someone to leave behind.
i am only here when you need me, otherwise i am invisible.